It was all in my head

Today I woke up, light headed. By light headed I mean my head, my brain, felt light. I didn’t have to blink twice to make sure I was awake and that the heavy feelings which had been plaguing my brain where provoked by just random, mostly untrue thoughts.

Each morning, for weeks now, I have woken up with a hangover of feelings and thoughts that I cannot shake. Like walking in a fog. It has felt like a heaviness in my soul, and my body has been aching more than usual. I have felt like the inspiration for A.A. Milne’s character, Eeyore.

Haven’t had energy, enthusiasm… Living has been exhausting because I have had to expend a lot of energy to discern thoughts, a lot of energy to overcome pain, feelings of anxiety- my body has been in a constant state of stress. My jaw ached, my teeth clenched, it almost felt like my muscles buzzed with the tension of anxiety. Anxious over what, you might wonder? I wonder, too. Over nothing in particular, but everything in general. If you ask me what I am worried about, I would tell you that I am not worried, but my body and brain say differently.

I have also been asking God, “What gives?” I don’t know why I have been feeling joyless, numb, hopeless. And although I have felt so desolate, God has listened to my frustrations and keeps talking to me through friends, through podcasts, through my counselor and my physician, through the Bible…. Little messages of hope and reassurance that despite the feelings caused by perseverating thoughts, he is faithful and true and my circumstances are not unknown to him.

I finally went to my doctor to talk about the fog I have been living in and she didn’t really want to prescribe an antidepressant. She advised me to take a couple weeks to decide if I really wanted to go that route. I told her, through tears, that I was ready to give it a go. I needed something to get me leveled. And so she did. And last night I took my first pill, and today was a much better day.

No negative thoughts, no perseverating thoughts. I could see things clearly for what and how they really are. My day was not devoid of obstacles, problems, troubles, but they didn’t overwhelm me.

So like I said, it was all in my head and I am so glad to have gotten a medication that helps my brain function better.

I share this not to have anyone judge me or feel sorry for me, but because so many are feeling so fragile these days, anxious, on the edge where there is no more margin to deal with the day to day life. Getting help, reaching out to others is essential, necessary, good. Especially reaching out to God, trusting in Him, and accepting that sometimes our brokenness is not only spiritual, but also in our heads and help can be as practical as prayer and a pill.

1But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed. you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

-Isaiah 43

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